What's wrong with me

That's not a question.

I can't write well (still). I don't seem to be getting better, either. I don't know why I felt the need to take this class. If I had to decide again I definitely wouldn't put myself through this.

I can't handle doing things I'm bad at. I have this ingrained need to be good at things, and not in a healthy way. When I miss a point on a test, I hate myself. When someone does better than me at something I care about, I get insanely jealous. When I know I might fail at something I don't do it all. I keep myself sane by not caring. I'm no good at sports? Good, because I never cared about them anyway.

That's why I don't care about AP Comp. I can't afford to. I need to keep my sanity for more important things, like AP Physics, college applications, or anything else that will affect my life after January. If I cared, I would write my essays over a number of weeks, not a number of hours. But I can't. I can't invest that time for the B that would come regardless. It would kill me mentally. (Don't try to counter the grade speculation. I'm not and will never be a writer good enough for an A on an essay, not even If I wrote 12 hours a day. My brain does not work the way a good writer's does)

Not only can I not handle doing things I'm bad at, I can't not be the best at anything I care about. I need to feel that superiority. I know this isn't the way the world works, but it's the way I work. This is breaking me down mentally every day. It took me a couple days to get over the physics test I didn't ace. I had to stop doing math team, not because I couldn't stand that I didn't understand a few things, but because I couldn't stand that other people did understand those things. I am worried about going to a good college, because I don't know if my ego will be able to survive an environment of so many people smarter than me.

I'm also kind of an asshole. I'm bitter, aggressively sarcastic, offensive, and condescending. And I don't care. I don't like people anyway (to use vocab, I'm a misanthrope) People, overall, are overwhelmingly stupid. They're ignorant. They care about trivial things. They're overly sensitive. I'm not looking forward to having to share a country with them for the next 70 years. To be honest, 90% of them could just disappear and I'd be happier.

Maybe the last paragraph gave this away, but I'm also completely socially inept. I hate talking to people. I don't talk to new people at all if I can avoid it. I would prefer to do all the work on any project if only I could do it myself instead of in a group. I can't make phone calls. I put off sending emails because I can never think of what to say. I would much prefer to stay at home alone than to go somewhere with people.

To top it off, I have the worst work ethic there is. I try to just call myself a procrastinator, as that's a more acceptable thing to be, but it's not that I just put things off to the last moment (although I do). I'm just incredibly lazy in general. This hasn't affected me negatively until recently. I don't mean to sound cocky—wait, yes I do. Or at least I don't care if do—but I'm smart enough where I didn't have to do any hard work to be successful throughout the first 11 grades of school. Honors classes? What a joke. Easy A. 4X Math, the "hardest class in the school"? Really easy A. My GPA went over 12 with no struggle from me whatsoever. Now that's changed. I made the mistake of enrolling in this class, and made the mistake of joining National Honor Society. These two mistakes, combined with 2 other AP classes, college apps, and extensive extracurricular music activities have made my laziness bite me hard in the ass. I received my first A- in two years from this class first term, I'm probably in sketchy standing in NHS, and I'm close to a mental breakdown. Oh, and I don't have time to sleep anymore.

It's 2:00 am, but I still need to work more on more homework. Better read that essay and do the CRJ, even though they have never and will never help me on the quizzes, and even though I have never and will never be helped in any way by interrupting my reading every paragraph to write about sentence length.